


Wonder

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s02e10 Noël
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-09
Updated: 2004-02-09
Packaged: 2019-05-31 03:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15110738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: "Can you honestly tell me you didn't wonder if you might besuicidal, too?"





	Wonder

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Wonder**

**by:** Kasey 

**Character(s):** Josh  
**Pairing(s):** None.  
**Category(s):** Josh fic   
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and am making no money off of this story. Also it's quick and un-betaed, so please work around the typing errors as best you can.   
**Summary:** "Can you honestly tell me you didn't wonder if you might be suicidal, too?"  
"I didn't wonder that."  
**Spoiler:** Mid-Ep Noel  
**Written:** 11/26/2001  
**Feedback:** Feedback makes it my day of jubilee.  
**Author's Note:** This is the sort of story that comes from doing one draft at night, watching Noel to try and fall asleep, and writing the second draft during a discussion of suicide during psych class. 

"Can you honestly tell me you didn't wonder if you might be suicidal, too?"

"I didn't wonder that."

And I'm not lying - I didn't wonder that.

I knew.

I knew for damn sure.

I knew I would do **anything** to make the voices and screams and images stop.

Do you have any idea the size of that realization? How entirely...giant that is? The notion that I would do ANYTHING to make it stop? Go kamikaze 'cause it's better to die for sake of making it end than to keep living in this hell.

I'd never been suicidal until three weeks ago. Not during high school or college or anything. And here I am, suddenly looking at the scissors on my desk in a completely different light.

It scared me. It scares me. Scares me to death.

Bad metaphor.

But think about it. How would it NOT be sorta unnerving? The idea that you would give up EVERYTHING. For what?

For making it stop. That's all that matters is making it stop, making all the pain and horror and nightmares END.

I wondered a lot.

Not about whether or not I might be suicidal, but about Robert Caino.

I wondered if he had dreams - horrible nightmares that left him waking up in a cold sweat, breathless, terrified, swearing he could feel pain in the old wound.

I wondered about his family. Did they notice anything wrong? Did they guess he was having flashbacks?

Did he have flashbacks?

What made him snap? He'd been shot down two years before he killed himself, what made him lose it? What made him decide he could bear it no longer? Did things suddenly get a zillion times worse and he couldn't take it anymore?

Would that happen to me? Or were things already to the point at which Caino could take no more?

Did he think about it a lot before he did it? Did he plan it out, or did he just...Was it impulsive? Did he get up there and all of a sudden think "I'm gonna end it now"?

Did he worry and regret his decision as he saw the jagged rocks of the mountain coming closer and closer and he knew he was done? Did he try to pull up at the last minute?

Would I try desperately to stop the bleeding as I-...

Frantically, I gathered all knives, scissors, and asprin and buried them as deep as I could in my bedroom closet so it would take longer to get to them if I couldn't stop myself from wanting to end it. Maybe I would think about it as I dug through the shoes and suitcases.

The fact that I wanted to end it - or that I might succeed - made me even more freaked out. Made my mind race even more, showing me images of my own death, my own funeral, Sam and Donna and Leo and the President mourning, my near-death, my-

The sound of smashing glass brought me back to reality.

I didn't wonder if I might be suicidal.

I knew.


End file.
